QueenJarrell’s Story

Page

Ed hates me. I am good with that because I hate him more! I first met Ed when I was trying to diet. I was in an unhappy marriage and somehow thought that I’d feel better if I lost five pounds. I had tried losing the extra pounds and failed, feeling even more depressed than I had before. Quietly, Ed suggested that he had a diet that would work. I wasn’t interested at first. However, Ed convinced me that his plan would work. His advice? Eat three apples a day. If I did that for five days straight, then he would allow me to have a treat on the sixth day. I am a planner and this seemed like a plan that would work. I didn’t think that I would have the willpower to tackle such a restrictive diet, but with Ed’s constant encouragement it wasn’t as hard as I thought. However, the treat that Ed promised on the sixth day was more like an all-day eating fest in which I felt completely miserable and overwhelmed with guilt. Even after the binge day, I had lost weight for that week. Suddenly, I believed in Ed. Actually, I worshiped Ed.
I should have seen the signs that Ed was a control freak, but I was blinded by a temporary feeling of self-confidence because I was accomplishing my goal. Already, he knew me so well! I reached the five pound mark easily. Ed told me that I could do better. I could lose more. He began telling me that I was fat. Sometimes he would make me feel so ugly, that I couldn’t leave the house. I felt so confused. How could someone that had become my soul mate treat me so badly? Before long, he would not let me participate in any activities with my family or my friends. He wanted me home, alone with him. I had never met anyone more possessive. I tried, with great desire, to attend family meals and birthday parties. I tried to leave Ed behind. Uninvited, he would always appear. He’d whisper in my ear that everyone else was trying to make me fat. He caused me to become distrustful of everyone.
Finally, I became desperate to escape. As my health deteriorated, I knew that I was going to have to let him go, before he caused me to lose everything. The days that I was with Ed were the darkest days of my life. At 68 pounds, I just wanted that nightmare of a relationship to be over! As he attempt to keep my trust, Ed shared a secret with me. He said that he only reserved this secret for very special people. He invited me to become part of a unique club. In this club, people could eat whatever they wanted, as long as they got rid of all the food afterwards. It was a very scary idea, but Ed promised to keep me safe from harm. I had read about the harmful effects of bulimia, but Ed assured me that those horrible things could never happen to me. It wasn’t long before Ed was back in my good graces. He promised to let me spend time with my friends and family. He promised that I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I could live the perfect life. Ed’s promises were all lies. While my life was a little happier, I developed a new set of problems. Ed made me spend hours a day in the bathroom, while he laughed at me. Also, as soon as I ate, he shouted at me that I was a gluttonous pig. I couldn’t concentrate after I ate and felt desperate to rid myself of the food. And the worst part? I gained weight. Ed caused me to have an addiction that would unknowingly stay with me for twelve long years. When I discovered that I wasn’t going to be able to get rid of Ed myself, I began seeking therapy. Therapists promised to help and I spent thousands on doctors’ bills. As soon as I’d begin to feel as if I could leave him, he’d beg to me to stay. I’d always give in, thinking I’d stay with him just a little while longer. After I divorced, I felt that I should I date. Not a single relationship lasted. Ed demanded that I be alone with him only. He wanted my body, heart, and soul. He was so very jealous.
Eventually, while I was still with Ed, I met my future husband, Ashton. When Ed tried to come between us, Ashton simply ignored Ed. Ashton wasn’t confrontational, and he wasn’t angry with Ed. Silently, Ashton made it clear to Ed that Ashton was going nowhere. As my relationship with Ashton became stronger, Ed became weaker. Ed even tried to ruin our wedding day. Once again he called me every horrible name in the book, but, for the first time ever, I completely ignored him. I wasn’t going to let him rob me of the most beautiful day of my life. After ignoring him once, I knew that I could ignore him again. I knew that I no longer needed Ed. Ed continued to be a third wheel in our relationship for four more years. However, his name-calling was becoming much weaker. Finally, I began to recognize Ed for the controlling monster that he was!
Today, Ed rears his ugly head once in a while. But for me, knowledge is my weapon. These days, I talk back to Ed. I call him ugly names. I fight with all the strength that I have. Eventually, with enough time between us, he will be a distant memory. Although he has won a few battles, he will NOT win the fight! Ed, Mr. Eating Disorder, you have made me a very strong woman! To any woman in my situation, be it an eating disorder or a bad relationship, fight for yourself. You are beautiful and you deserve better. There is a better life waiting for you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s